Coming Back To Yourself

First of all, I would like to apologize for the long break in updates. I was away at flute camp in the Adirondack Mountains, but I'm back home now and ready to continue my blog. This is kind of a personal post, but I hope that you will find something useful in it anyway.

Lately, I have been struggling with depression and my own personal demons. Many writers face them, as do musicians, artists, philosophers, scientists, and all of the other disciplines that require creativity and emotion. Being able to put feelings down into words requires insight into the human psyche that can be frightening, intense, and painful. We experience the full spectrum of emotions, and many writers do not know how to turn these off.

In my own struggles as a musician, a writer, and a lesbian, it has been difficult for me to come to terms with who I am and what I feel. The option of suicide has come up at various points in my life, but the support of my lover, my rock, kept me from choosing that path. Other writers, artists, and musicians have not been so lucky.

It is important that, while you are absorbed in other worlds and are trying to share the pent-up storm of emotions inside of you in the hopes of touching someone else somewhere in this bleak world, you can come back to yourself. Find a grounding point, a 'green light' (as Fitzgerald would say), something to reach out for, something to cling to. Something to come back for.

Build a support system. When you fail, when you cry, when you feel lost, you need something to hold on to. This can be a parent, a lover, a hobby, God, a friend, even a future goal or a 'purpose'. Do not lose yourself in the worlds you have created. Do not be tempted to use them as an escape from your feelings or your own life. If the creator dies, so do all of their creations.

Coming back to yourself can be difficult. It can be painful. It will burn and ache and you will have to face all of the twisted ugliness inside of you that you tried so hard to forget. But living is worth it. Not just breathing, not just existing, but living - feeling, experiencing. You will never forgive yourself if you abandon life - whether through suicide or through locking yourself up in a fantasy world that you have created. You only have one chance. Cling to it with both hands and do not let go.